[APRIL FOOLS] Blimp goes missing off Lake Ontario coast; Blimp Rock suspiciously announces blimp ‘purchase’

blimpby Michael Thomas

The disappearance of a blimp resting on the shores of Lake Ontario in Rochester, NY has coincided with Toronto band/marketing vehicle Blimp Rock announcing their sudden acquisition of a blimp for their planned festival.

Rochester authorities told media on Tuesday night, a group of lifeguards returned to shore after an undisclosed event in the middle of Lake Ontario. To their surprise, a blimp usually seen on the shore had vanished.

Police questioned each lifeguard and searched their homes, but there was no indication that any of them were behind the theft. The only clue authorities have at this time is a discarded Rolodex, seemingly vintage.

On the Canadian side of Lake Ontario, however, Blimp Rock announced that they had purchased a blimp. Given their status as a southern Ontario rock band, it seemed unlikely that they suddenly came into the $700,000 required to purchase the dirigible.

Grayowl Point got in touch with Blimp Rock spokesperson Peter Demakos in the hopes of discovering where the band got the blimp from—especially if it was indeed the vanished vessel from Lake Ontario.

When asked how he and his band came across the blimp, Demakos delivered a long tale:

“After nearly two and a half years of data from the For Profit Private Sea-Doo Detectives of Toronto, we decided to take things into our own hands. Last Tuesday night, we headed out on the Blimp Rock Enterprises Sea-Doo with one mission: get to the middle, and get answers. What we discovered shocked our team more than when they first discovered the price of helium. At first, everything seemed as it should be: a party yacht, with the words “S.O.S L.O.L” detailed on the side. Disco music blaring, dominoes tables everywhere— even a horse-sized racetrack. But there was something very off. The closer we got, we started realizing that the disco was playing to no one and the dominoes tables were all unattended. The entirety of the S.O.S L.O.L was empty.

We climbed aboard via a water-slide and the cheeky sign that said “not for use without Lifeguard on duty” sent a chill down our spines. And as soon as we got on the deck, we realized there was so much more to this story. Several Polaroids we discovered showed our Sea-Doo detectives partying it up with the L.O.Ls on the very boat we stood (and the one they were supposedly covertly investigating). They were double agents! Then, on each of the Dominoes tables we discovered blue-prints, plans and measurements— for a blimp festival over Lake Ontario. Needless to say we felt deflated but after a quick marketing team huddle, we decided this might be more of an opportunity than a puncture. We feverishly ruffled around with the papers, trying to gather all the information we could, when we saw these words scribbled on the corner of an order for wood paneling:

1200 Brooks Avenue
Rochester, NY

While we could have used that information to our advantage, it just so happened that it was also that same day we put our Vintage Office Supplies for sale on Bandcamp, and at that moment we received a notification congratulating us on $700 000 worth of sales in a day. We got off the ship, turned around, and like any innocent band purchasing a blimp, went to the blimp store and bought a blimp.”

Demakos refused to elaborate on the location of the “blimp store.”

Blimp Rock, a marketing vehicle for a future Blimp Rock Live festival, is attempting to raise the money with music (their second album, Sophomore Slump, is to come on April 7) and the sale of vintage office supplies. Given the location of the Rolodex at the scene of the crime, Demakos was quick to explain that it couldn’t have belonged to the band.

“When we boarded the SOS L.O.L we also saw hundreds of unopened cardboard boxes being kept close to the horse stables on board,” Demakos said. “As Blimp Rock is a strictly law-abiding band, who certainly does not break into or steal anything, you can imagine our surprise when one box flew open from what we can only assume was the weight of our steps. In this box, we discovered about 30 Rolodexes, we can only assume the L.O.Ls were planning on selling to raise money for their festival. But buyer beware: when we examined one, the curvature of the frame indicated that they had been manufactured post-2013. These Rolodexes are far from vintage, and on top of that they smelled like a horse stable.”

Alibi firmly established, we asked Demakos what he thinks could have happened to the missing blimp.

“I’m so glad you asked,” Demakos said. “Though we’re not prone to explosive accusations here at Blimp Rock Enterprises, we’d really like to urge the public not to hire For Profit Private Sea-Doo Detectives of Toronto. Along with not having a web presence, giving us very little information, and working for the very people we were trying to investigate, this company often:

– asked a lot of questions about blimps
– asked about the best route to Rochester via Lake Ontario
– asked if it was hypothetically okay if they were double agents looking to put on their own blimp festival

They also sent us this note, via FAX:

“Hey guys. Um, this is obvi pretty awkward, but where are u guys keeping the blimp

Suspicious, isn’t it?”

Finally, Demakos explained Blimp Rock’s next steps, with a new blimp firmly in their grasp:

“The Blimp Rock Live (name of our festival) experience really is about 3 main components: Fancy mix drinks, the Finest Cover Bands and Wood Paneling. At this juncture, instead worrying about quick-fixes such as purchasing the thousands of dollars worth of helium required, obtaining permits for an alcohol serving blimp festival with one fire exit and the sudden reality that no Lifeguard will supervise our Tuesday night swims, we prefer to focus on the positive. What does that mean exactly? The proper ratio of tonic to lime, booking Sheezer and picking a tasteful shade of mock-mahogany.”

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